When I left the military I felt betrayed, abandoned, broken and like I was still at fault. I could not comprehend how I got charged for being raped. They used my statements against me and forced me to stand beside my attacker.
I couldn't understand why I was harassed on ship and then got released straight out of the psych ward, so I kept asking questions.
I got my release changed, and then I kept thinking, “I'm not the only one”. When I found someone else who was like me, we finally went forward. We went public in Maclean's, and we heard other people come forward. We thought that maybe change would happen.
I was optimistic. They started the ombudsman and they talked about it. Then it all got swept under the rug.
I started a 1-800 number and had people call me because I just wanted people to know they weren't alone. Then I nearly went insane because I had two small children at home and a non-supportive husband. When I left him, I went to nursing school to learn how to actually help people, but I wouldn't even tell people who I was because I was embarrassed for having gone public. I was embarrassed for putting my face on that article and for having been raped in the military.
I had people put me down for it, degrade me for it and tell me that it didn't even happen. In every instance, I've been told that it didn't happen, but because I know myself, I've concentrated on my healing journey. I've put myself through nursing school, working full time with two little boys. I thought I was a failure because I only got 65%. No, that's an accomplishment because I did it while working full time with two little boys. I rarely ever slept.
I went into a field that.... I cared way too much. I wanted to help people, but I burnt myself out constantly because I didn't know that I was supposed to look after me. I was totally about service. I always wanted to help people. That's why I joined the military.
I had to take a cold, hard look at myself because when I left the military I had no self-respect, no self-worth and no self-value. I instilled those into my boys. Then I had a granddaughter and I had to look and see that I needed to change so that I could make a difference for her and for my boys. The only thing I was going to make a difference with was me.
I have spent the last little while.... I have found like-minded people. I started to heal and then I started to see that not everything was a failure. I changed my mindset.
I was also over-therapized because they all knew I had PTSD, so they kept sending me to therapy. It wasn't helping me because I wasn't in a state to hear what they had to say. Plus, they sent me to a child psychologist. They didn't know what to do with me.
I went to Maryam Monsef in 2016, when she was promoted to the minister of the status of women. I laid all of the Maclean's articles out for her and told her that we needed to do something and make a difference. She just said to make another appointment. One of her assistants said to join an organization and write a proposal. I was like...oh, my goodness.
I went back to school and I took indigenous studies because I'm constantly educating myself so that I can see different perspectives. Now I can look back at all of it and I can see the change that has happened. I get people telling me, “Thank you for what you did.” It's completely blowing my mind because for 20 years I thought that I was hated and that I did a horrible thing by going public. Now I am starting to see that I am the time-stamp that they can't deny. They can't say that they didn't know it was going on, no matter what.
I have accepted the fact...and I have also seen change happen. I've reached out in very angry ways to high-ranking officials. Instead of being angry with me, they've seen my frustration. They have acknowledged my hurt and my trauma and they've come back with “Thank you for everything you've done and your concern for the military” and “Hold your head high” and stuff like that. It's kept me going.
As bad as a lot of the things were, I hold on to the good of the people I've met along the way. I am still that optimistic person who thinks that change will happen—even though I see it get put down, see it get politicized and see these issues get totally put into an arena that they shouldn't be in.
Now the left takes it too far to the left. The right takes it too far to the right. The actual issue has been forgotten. Every time I see this on the news, I have to remember that I came forward in 1998 and didn't get heard. Many others did too.
There are a lot of people out there who are wanting change. They are wanting to see it happen so badly. They're seeing just little tiny pieces of it, and then they're being disappointed and broken-hearted and devalued because nothing happens. It's empty words. It's broken promises. It's copy-and-paste letters that are all the same to other people. They're just paying lip service.
Thank you.