I sleep beside Claude. But he is very agitated in his sleep. He has nightmares, he wakes up in a panic, and a sweat, and tries to catch his breath. I know that he is having a nightmare. I remember his nightmares, though he does not. I can tell you what he dreams about, and he dreams a lot.
He does not get enough sleep, he has difficulty in maintaining some kind of balance within the family. There is an effort to try to have a normal family life, but we cannot deny that there is some kind of dysfunction within a family where someone has post-traumatic stress syndrome. And when there are children in the family, they experience the repercussions directly, be it because of alcoholism, anxiety attacks, aggression, or other things that come along with all that.
As I said in my testimony, my spouse has managed to keep working all these years. But over the last nine years, he has held twelve jobs and has stopped work three times. There is always financial uncertainty, and there is always the issue of whether he can work, will leave, or will be fired.
The repercussions on the spouse are dreadful. I feel under terrible pressure when I tell myself that I mustn't crack—because if I crack all the family will go under. If I crack, there will no longer be a filter between what my spouse says or does, or other people's attitudes towards him. I don't blame my spouse—and I want to be very clear on that. He is a victim. If there is no filter, it's the children who will suffer.
I consider myself lucky because I am strong. I have enough strength to have succeeded in controlling some of the drift and in minimizing its impact. I am lucky, Mr. Perron, but I know others who are less lucky. There are divorces, there is lack of understanding, there are children who no longer speak to us or don't want anything to do with us any longer. That is how things are. I know friends of my husband, who were in the forces as well, who are in the same situation we are and are socially isolated.
There are many people around us who did not know what was happening with my husband before July. I no longer have any contact with my family. Our friends were no longer coming over. We were completely isolated, because people didn't understand what was happening, and that led to frustration between my husband and myself. When someone would come over and would react, then I would respond. It isn't pleasant having people over like that.
When you don't know what you are dealing with, there is even less understanding. Since July, at least we have a diagnosis. So we can read about PTSD and understand all kinds of things. But before we had the diagnosis, we were working in the dark, wondering when we were going to pack it in and get a divorce. But we are still very attached to each other. I know my husband, and I can't let him down. I refuse to give up on him, but I won't hide the fact that I have thought about it.
Mr. Chair, I would like to ask my husband if he feels comfortable answering the next question.
No, he has asked me to speak on his behalf.
Yes, there have been periods during which he did think about suicide. As I said earlier, if it had not been for Ste. Anne's Centre—and I am really not trying to make you pity me—I would be a widow today. That is how low we had got. He has had periods of feeling suicidal, along with alcoholism and drug abuse. That is what happens as soon as there is rejection.
Now, I would like to talk to you about periods of rejection, because rejection does not just come from the wife or family, but also from the workplace. My husband went into the Canadian Armed Forces at the age of 17, and came out when he was 37.
During all the years in which we were having problems, after he left the army, I would say: “Darling, it's just because you are having trouble adapting to civilian life.” But during all that time, we were trying to determine why his jobs did not make him happy, why everything was always unsatisfying, why he always had those highs and lows, very low lows. Every time they happened and he realized he had to quit because he did not feel right, that was rejection. He was told that he was useless, good for nothing, and worthless to society.
In 2005, when he said he would like to go back into the armed forces, it is because he thought that during the entire time he was in the army, in the air force, he was somebody, he was successful, he had a rank, promotions and privileges. He felt like a man. After he left the army, he no longer felt like a man.
Since he has been in treatment at the Ste. Anne's Centre, I have occasionally called his case manager, in tears. I said that we were getting to a point where responses just were not the same, that I was worried, and I asked her to do something. I sent her what amounted to a call for help.
Yes, there have been periods where my husband felt suicidal, and at one point I was really afraid that he might do it.