It all comes down to the word “suicide”.
It's a scary word. I'm not afraid of it. I'm actually quite lucky. I feel like someone who has diabetes, or a heart condition, or a kidney condition and knows it. I have a certain condition where, under the exact correct circumstances, I don't want to live anymore. I avoid those circumstances, such as booze and working overseas, and I work with my therapist on meditation and yoga. That is my treatment to avoid suicide. It's no different from having a heart condition and eating a Baconator every day—you're going to shorten your life.
We have this stigma on the word “suicide”. We have to get rid of that, so that you're not afraid. If you have a suicide ideation or you're thinking about it, you're not thinking about actually doing it. It enters your mind over a long process. Your mind starts playing games with you and starts eliminating the reasons why you should live, on your own.... That fear of coming out and saying, “I just feel down”, without all the cavalry being called in all of a sudden, is the way you balance it, especially if you're doing medicine changes, you're by yourself, and you don't have anyone to talk to. You ride it out, thinking that it's going to get better, and you don't want to call and get everyone wound up again.
When you lose your temper in the Veterans Affairs office I've seen what happens, so you bite your tongue. You try not to get angry about the system, which, as we've all heard, is not just aimed at me. It's a system-wide problem when you can submit a claim in September 2015 and still argue it.... A lot of us joke that they do it on purpose to test us, to see if we actually are injured. When it comes down to that, there is no camaraderie. There is no brotherhood like we had in the forces. It becomes you and an insurance company. I don't see it as VAC; I see it as an insurance company. We all know the word “appeal”, because you're denied the first time.
To go back to the question of suicide, look at the word as not so scary. Everyone in this room is capable of suicide based on the information available to them at the moment they choose to do it. No one is above it. Let's not be scared of it. Let's get some peer support groups and start getting the word out that it's okay to speak about it.